This year, because of a variety of scheduling quirks conspiring against me, I missed my first New Beverly Horrorthon in four years. It was a depressing time for me as, not only is Halloween my favorite event, October my favorite month, and the ghosts baying at the border between the land of life and death my chief concern, but the horrorthon was usually the highlight of BOOFEST. There is just something so wonderful about sitting in ripped up seats in an old theater, snacking on popcorn, Domino’s pizza, and energy drinks until 7 in the morning, while alternating between laughing and sleeping with 200 other people who scream “Lucio Fulci lives!”
Marissa, recognizing all of these issues, surprised me Saturday night with an already outlined all-night horrorthon. While I missed the stale air and crowded theater, I did appreciate stretching out on my couch and using my own bathroom. Here are what I thought of the films we watched:
- A great start to the night. A high concept movie about a living, mind-controlling, yogurt-like substance? Awesome.
- Did you see where I said it was a living, mind-controlling, yogurt-like substance?
- It was a little slow. After a killer first scene, where an old man finds “The Stuff” and eats it because, why the hell not, the second half tries to squeeze in way too many plotlines. Also, a character is named Chocolate Chip Charlie. Racist? I think it’s racist.
- Boy, was this one a creeper. Even though the true “horror” doesn’t kick in until the final act, I found this one to be gut wrenching. High school sucks guys. I think that was the main scene.
- Sissy Spacek is an amazing space alien who apparently came to this world solely for this role.
- The men’s hair. Let’s be honest, that’s the true highlight here. So feathered, so voluminous.
- Sissy Spacek’s eyes.
- The closet.
- The soft focus. Were the 70s only presented in soft focus? Maybe that was the problem.
- High school kids are jerks.
Next up was “My Choice” I had Return of the Living Dead from Netflix, but we decided on Birdemic. Maybe that was a mistake. Hahaha. Of course not!
We can also skip all the Good, Weird, Bads because this movie defies them all. This is probably the worst movie I’ve ever seen and I love it. The audio is atrocious—did they even have a boom operator? The dialogue is worse and the actors, though not given much to play with, seem almost like they’ve been forced into doing this movie at gunpoint.
It’s weird, super low budget, ugly looking, and I absolutely loved it.
Once you see birds that float more than fly and sales presentations featuring one terrible PowerPoint slide, you’ll be hooked.
- It’s a movie about a loving mother turned murderous werewolf. That’s great.
- The creature effects are also pretty great with the transitions between Mom and Werewolf really well done.
- The acting. Rarely do these movies have good performances.
- Mom Werewolf. How is this not a larger genre?
- It’s a little slow and the biggest kill in the movie happens offscreen. Sure, it’s supposed to be more surprising that way, but I want to see a woman murder her own ________, dammit.
- I love crappy monster movies and this was perfect. Possibly my favorite movie of the evening. Slugs: giant, flesh-eating, mutated killer slugs.
- A lead character who is in the early stages of male pattern baldness (a cause that’s very close to my heart).
- Did I mention that in addition to killing people, the slugs could also become parasites in your body, forcing your eyeballs to explode out during business negotiations.
- There is a company that does SOMETHING with a very big contract that the city needs. To do what? I don’t know. It’s business, man.
- Thousands of slugs, bent on world destruction.
- You mean to say there are bad things about a movie featuring giant slugs?
With it almost 3 am and Marissa having slept for most of the last two movies, we skipped Theatre of Blood for the much shorter, Sorority House Massacre:
- This was certainly not a good movie, but because it’s about a serial killer, something that is, you know, real, it was also the most terrifying.
- The story and theme is a direct ripoff of Halloween, though Roger Corman wisely kept this at 75 minutes so no one could really spend time thinking of the flaws.
- There was a scene where the girls had a Mary Kate and Ashley-style clothes montage. You know, except with nudity.
- I’ve been obsessed recently with the parapsychological study where a rabbit was separated from her young, which were taken down in a submarine and then murdered. This movie references it.
- Besides throwing a man off a building who two minutes later is back in the house, you also have to deal with the most unlikable female leads you could possibly find. It’s the type of female characters that lead to the Republican platform.
I have now managed to watch seven films this season, well below my usual expectations, but thanks to Marissa’s hard work, I can at least hold my head up proud. Next time I find some free time, I’m trying to fit in CHUD or maybe The Video Dead, but if you have a Netflix Instant recommendation, let me know.